Jillian’s Journeys

I’ve set up a new travel blog for my trip (and all those in the future). I wanted to keep it seperate from this one because contrary to this one which is only read by a privy few, I actually do want people reading my travel blog and leaving me comments. It’s the comments I’ll really be needing while I’m over there. That helped so much while I was in South Africa, just to have those words of encouragement and regenerating excitement from people back home.

Anyway, if I don’t post again before my trip, there will certainly be a 3-week emptiness here while I’m posting on my travel blog, http://jilliansjourneys.the113thway.com/

Hope to hear from you, devoted reader. : )

With Paws

I fight sleep. With all my might, I resist it, put it off, abate it with the brush-off of the eventual rest. And yet, I love to dream. I lay content in the limbo of dream and reality, where the places I’ve been and people I’ve seen still seem real and logical, though hours from that moment will be jarring nonsense to trip up my mind the rest of the day. It’s the place where I have some control, but can let go enough to let the dreamweaver cast me spellbound and powerless to its visions. What do we gain from our dreams? Or is it our dreams that need us?

8 paws pad across our floors these days. The soundtrack is different lately, with occassional cracking of bone under teeth, flapping of ears from a back-paw scratch, the deep thump-thump of a happy tail. Tim says keep them. Jackie, I think, wants them back, but knows they get more attention here – after all, she’s got her hands quite full with the little ones. Life changes after children. So for an indefinite period, Bear and I are enjoying our “children”. Spoiling with affection and good care, teaching them new things (like to sit and wait before it’s ok to stuff your nose in the dinner bowl). At the moment, I’m at my desk and the two of them have found comfortable positions on the rug behind me. I think their only complaint is that we go to bed so late. Perhaps dogs, too, like to dream.

…in between…

I’m in between somethings. The big something (i.e. graduation) and the next big something (Egypt) and then I think I’m supposed to get a job or something…

As usual when big events occur, I haven’t much felt like documenting it. I guess I feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of the swell of somethings, and maybe a little fearful that I get it wrong. I’ll highlight that which ends up being trivial or scewed in my future view. Or maybe it’s just that this feeling of closure leaves nothing left for commenting. But, I will attempt at a post. And, also like usual, it will undoubtably be long because I am incapable of minimizing my thoughts.

For starters, last week Jackie, Mackenzie, Morgan and I took a plane to California and stayed at the Disneyland Hotel where we virtually lived in “Micka-Mouse” Land. For three days we trucked around the park, sparking a piggy back or shoulder ride between the carousel and tea cups. Mac wasn’t much of a fan of any other ride, but she did go on the Matterhorn. Impressive, no? Jackie and I took turns on some rides and we seemed to be hitting everything just right. Jackie asked me if I thought that the rest of our family is just bad luck, because whenever we try to do things together, something always seems to go awry. I said no, it’s just that two adults (two easy-going adults) have a much easier time adjusting plans and being ok with last-minute decisions. It seemed like every time we finally got all the way back to Toon Town, we decided we should go back to the hotel – That’s a long walk! But it was ok, because it was just the two of us and the girls. At any rate, we had an absolutely wonderful time! The girls we soooo well behaved! Probably because they were so tired! Mackenzie, who we used to call the little dare devil, seemed to have turned two and become afraid of everything! We took her to the pool, where she cried, until I started horsing around with her and then she found the water slide and was allll about that! That was her favorite “ride” after teacups (Aunt Jill’s least favorite!). Mackenzie is also TERRIFIED of flying! She used to fly all the time, but now she’s really freaked out by it. On the way there she was sitting by the window next to me and as soon as we started to take off, she went hysterical. It took the whole flight to calm her down. Luckily the flight home was much better, but still. We can’t understand why little miss roller coaster is suddenly afraid of everything. But then again, as we say for everything, “She’s two!”

Since I’ve been home I haven’t been doing too much. I’m watching videos and reading about the middle east in preparation for my trip. It’s a very interesting history, but devistating at the same time. It seems to have had so much potential to be great, but its leaders have failed so many times, and the battles continue over land. I still feel like I have much to learn, but at least as I’m getting into it it is becoming more and more interesting. I’m still incredibly nervous for this trip. But all I can do is prepare myself and try to stay ahead of the game the whole time I’m there. Take good notes, listen, think critically, maintain a positive attitude, and don’t say anyting stupid. lol

Postpartum Graduation

I’ve held off writing about graduation for two reasons: The first, and most prominent, I hadn’t yet figured out how I felt about it. And second, even with school being over and no official job, I’ve remained that stingy word, “busy”. But even now, with a little time permitted to me in the solitude that comes after midnight, I’m still uncertain about my feelings toward college graduation.

End of the year ceremonies never bode well with me. Mom says I’m having postpartum graduation. Banquets, awards, what-have-you, they never leave in me a feeling of good endings, like I had done right by the year(s) passed. On the contrary, I do as any pessimist would; I dwell everything which I did not achieve, did not strive for, and swim in a miasma of what-ifs and some regrets which I force to be short-lived. I think it’s these things which make it difficult for me to enjoy closure and likewise enforce in me the desire to always be better than the time before, to remain healthily unsatisfied with my accomplishments and look forward to the next challenge. Which, at this moment, is my trip to the Middle East, fast approaching.

I guess at this point I’m still in some small state of denial. It doesn’t really feel over yet. It probably won’t hit me until classes start again and instead of grabbing by notebook for a 10:40 lecture, I’ll be jumping in my car for a 9am meeting. Or something like that. And of course that “something” is what everyone wants to know. Do you have a job? What do you want to do?

And I don’t know. I mean, sometimes I can sort out an answer. I’m working up my portfolio to work for National Geographic. I might turn to the fashion/editorial photography side of things – which is a career I didn’t think would be well received by my mother, but she’s been strangely supportive of everything hair-brained idea I’ve thrown at her lately and I’m beginning to think it’s because she really did mean it when she said to follow your dreams. At any rate, the month of June is taken care of. Rent for June is another story, but the time is pre-consumed. And after that…there’s a gap of nothing. A big question mark of possibilities until January, which then leads to another looming question mark over the Big Apple. I think…I think when I sit down and really start digging through the job market, I’ll feel better about things. And I know the day I start signing forms I’ll feel a million times better about things. It’s just the unknown that’s terrifying, especially when it continues to come at you with dollar signs and zeroes.

For the highs…I had a really nice graduation party. My mom and sister put forth a lot of time and effort and even though three of my best friends couldn’t make it, it was still a huge success. The food was amazing, the house looked great, the photo booth area was a hit, everyone enjoyed watching my sex piece (which sounds awful out of context, like I’ve curtailed into the porn industry), and even grandma had a great time (probably with the assistance of the two margaritas she had). It was definitely the highlight of the entire graduation experience, tied only with the President’s speech at commencement. I have video from that and I do plan on making a video about it, I just have to figure out how to import the footage on my computer and then actually make time to sit down and edit – which I swore I wouldn’t do for two weeks!!!

On that note, Bear is very happy to have his girlfriend back. And likewise, I’ve been very happy to be that girl again.

Tomorrow I leave for California with Jackie and the girls for a few days at Disney Land – it was great fun when people asked, “you just graduated! What are you going to do now?” and I could honestly reply, “I’m going to Disney Land!” We’ll be gone through Thursday. And then it’s ultimate cramming time for my trip to Egypt and beyond!

Happy Mother’s Day! (belated)