I don’t know why, in the middle of my optimism and sense of direction, I suddenly feel lost. I didn’t want to turn to this, to this stupid little corner of the web to have to spill my guts, but in the midst of texting four different people I realized I didn’t have enough faith or trust in anyone to talk to. Everything feels temporary, including the people. My mother says she feels hardened. I feel apathetic. It’s a horrible feeling and I know I’ve succumbed to apathy before. I don’t even seem to care if anyone likes me, mostly because I just don’t believe it. Snap out of it, I tell myself. Waiting to.
Invitations for the grand send-off arrived in the mail yesterday. So I guess that’s one small relief. Now the actual hard part is coming up; saying goodbye. Again. I really don’t know how I’ll manage it. So much of that day, that night, is going to be hard. Selfishly, I wish I were actually involved with someone so that I had a pair of arms to come home to and comfort me.
I really am my own worst enemy. So many times I crave a protector, someone bigger, stronger, someone understanding. And yet, I continue to put on a bold front. Intimidation is my weapon and I can’t resolve why I am under the impression that vulnerability is bad. The more vulnerable I feel, the harder my exterior becomes. I stand a little taller, I wear darker clothes, and so many cold days that past I wore the shield of a leather jacket. I’m sure to most people it came off “hott” or perhaps even bitchy to people who never talked to me. But really, I was just scared.
I am definitely my own worst enemy. I wonder if there will ever come a day when all the pieces of me will find a way to sync up and agree once and for all how I will act and feel and be. The division is both killing and saving me, as one hour I am a gallant figure in lip gloss and a dress, and the next I am dangerous, looming in dark and eye liner.
